Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Record Setting April Fools Day!

And its only 8:17! I told the school nurse and the preschool teacher that we have a new preschooler named Pablo Escobar. They bought it. I told the first grade teacher that her worst nightmare has come true: there are standardized testing booklets at the front door for first grade. Fidelina, my sixth grade student, probably thinks she doesn't have to take the tests that arrive today. Hopefully she doesn't turn out too screwed up after spending two years with me as her English teacher!

Gee whiz! I am going to miss these other teachers and kids after I am finished with this contract. I certianly have to move on, its past time, but this was my first pubic school teaching gig and I will never have another experience like this one.

But its April Fools Day and it time to start thinking about getting the big Cheese, the person who taught me what April Fools is all about, my Mother! And my Grandmother, but she's older and not as hard to get anymore... It usually takes me about three hours to think of something that will get my Mom. She has her radar on, guarenteed. This post is going to have to be an on going thing.

It took me 5 minutes to think of something. Its better to get her early when she is still sleeping. I e-mailed her and told her I left the coffee pot on and that it was empty. Haha! Burning down the house, her number one fear and her number one April Fool's Day joke! When I was 12 she told me our house burned to the ground, then called all my Aunt's and Uncle's and told them too!

Update: Okay, it worked. She initally freaked! But I'm telling you, it doesn't take her long to figure this stuff out. She just e-mailed me and said my dog got hit by a car. WEAK. Now every time I talk to her she is going to have her radar on. But its not impossible to get her. I have to incorporate others into the scheme, namely, Zseralidina, my Hungarian sis-in-law.

Update: I gave up on my Mom. I could tell her anything, even the truth, and she wouldn't believe it at this point. I've never got my Dad, no one has. So today is the day! We usually don't try too hard because he can get really pissy. His sense of humor isn't at all warped and his feelings get hurt very easily. So this is going to get me in trouble. Anyway, I e-mailed him and asked him for some advice about school. I said I saw a fight on the playground through my window and asked if I should report it or keep it under my hat. If he says I should report it I am going to say I didn't and that some kids saw me watching the fight and that my principal is pissed that I didn't report it! If he says I should keep it under my hat, I am going to tell him that I already reported it and that the principal chewed out the teacher that was on recess duty and that she got sent home from school early and that she is pissed at me for going over her head. Either way I win.

Update: Did I mention my Dad is very smart and it is very hard to get him? Here is what he wrote: Just go to the kid who did the punching and punch him so he knows how it feels. Uh, April Fools. One step ahead of me Pops!

This is what my Mom wrote after I sent her the same e-mail:
>was it the counselor that yelled at both of them or another teacher? If
they go to the principal's office to get expelled I would definitely speak up

And this is what I wrote back: Well, its too late. I didn't say anything and they both got suspended for three days. That poor little kid didn't even do anything. If I say something now the principal will be pissed because I made him look like a jerk.

Update: I'm getting no work done today, none. But check out this conversation I had with my best buddy Ankur. Google chat is so cool.

10:29 AM me: I got fired today
ankur: WHT?
me: I think I am going to leave for California tomorrow
for a break
10:30 AM ankur: WHAT THE HELL?
me: can I stya two weeks?
ankur: what happened?
me: I punched a kid in the nose
ankur: What?
what kid?
me: yeah, he called me a faggot and I bitch slapped him
a second grader
ankur: Are you serious?
me: i hope they don't press charges
10:31 AM I'll end up in jail
probably get ass raped
this sucks
ankur: You not kidding?
this is serious?
me: Have you read my blog lately?

ankur: yes......but not the latest one
10:32 AM me: I've been recording the events of the day on it today
you can read about everything that has happened
ankur: You got to be kidding dude
me: including, especially including this conversation
ankur: I hope you are
why would you do something like that?
me: this conversation might be the best one yet
ankur: punch a kid
me: bitch slapped his ass
10:33 AM like a punk
poor little devil
bet he never calls anyone else a fag again
10:35 AM ankur: I should have guessed
you Got me
me: I have my tickets
yes, I did
ankur: You did
me: and I have a transcript of the entire thing for people to read

ankur: But I am glad it s not true
I a glad that it didnt happen
10:36 AM You have no idea...you totally threw off my balance
me: good
keeps you in check
that'[s what this day is all about
reality check
ankur: YES
its kinda cool
me: how will you act in a uncomfortable situation?

ankur: you put me down...and then I came up
and it feels good
the up and down
me: you, my friend, are prone to a freak out

Update: Grandama and Grandpa were too easy. I almost felt bad but not really. I told him that I was from the pound and that I had a dog named Bozo "down here" and he needed to come pick him up. They had a dog named Bozo for years, he died about five years ago. I said, "He's got a collar with your name and phone number on it, so that means you are responsible for him." That's when he almost blew his top. He said, "Buddy, I'm gonna come down there. But it ain't gonna have nothing to do with no dog." Or some good old boy shit... Then when I told him it was me, he said that I was lucky cause he was gonna get out his knife and stab whomever was making demands over the phone.

Shane, my other best bud since high school and lead singer in my band, got it good. I told him that water had leaked through the roof of the bar and ruined about $3000 worth of band equipment. He was fucking livid! He said that he had put a trash bag over the top of it, something which I had no idea about, and I said "Well, someone must have removed it." When he finally found out I was just fucking with him he said he was getting ready to go find the person who took the trash bag off.

Only two people got me today - a fourth grader told me I had mustard on my face, we had chicken and noodles for lunch today (with homemade noodles, our lunch ladies rock!) and some girl's blog had a black and white picture from highschoolclassmates.com or some shit, the one that says "she's a model now". I looked at it and thought, I know that person, she's a model now? wtf?


Allie said...

BWHAHAH!!! I love it!

your parents are the sh*t!

and your friend....poor guy, he ate that bait so fast he almost chocked! haha!

ElPato said...

Ankur said, "Why would you do something like that?" , "punch a kid" priceless

ElPato said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allie said...

I laugh at Ankur and your family...but I must admit I'm just as gullible.
I would never fall for one of my friends punching a kid! Come on Ankur!HAHA! Are you sure he is your friend b/c it sounds like he doesn't REALLY know you...haha!
Ok I'll stop poking fun now...but it so entertaining!!

ElPato said...

ummmm... maybe its an Eastern thing. He'll definately have something so say about it.

Dana said...

Love the April Fools pranks!! Being a teacher, I appreciate them, LOL...

Love your blog - can't wait to come back and check you out...

Hope your soup is good tonight - Let me know!!

Happy Cooking... :)

( . )( . ) said...

OMG you like go hard on April Fools. I got my boss by sending him a message to call Mr Lion and gave him the number for the Perth Zoo. So he rang up for Mr Lion and everyone laughed at him.

Gee, puts my pathetic joke to shameeeee

Ankur Dnyanmote said...

YES. Do I 'really' know you?
Does any one really know anyone?

And most importantly...does "allie" really know US? LOL